‘Hey you up there! See that rash, growth, sneeze? It’s a message from your body. Are you listening?!’ Kim Knight, health and personal development coach explains symptoms are intelligent communication from the body to the head. “We are brought up in our society to think the head is king but actually the gut activates before the brain.”
Kim has tried over 150 different therapies and trained in Mickel Therapy,Energy Psychology, Qi Gong, Taoist Meditation and Emotional Intelligence to a professional level. She believes from the moment we are born the body has an intelligence system designed to look after us. It will scan 24 hours a day for information about happiness, healthiness and safety. Being happy and healthy is the norm although that is oft forgotten. “Look at what happens when people come back from wars with post traumatic stress disorder. They can’t function,” says Kim.
“This body intelligence system knows what is going on in a person’s life and forms opinions about it. Then it sends communication asking us to do something. It will begin with Plan A – body sensations,” explains Kim. “These are simple and subtle. There are two body sensations which we are well trained in and we do notice. One is hunger. It is not a pain but is definitely a sensation telling us to eat something. The other is needing the toilet. We know what that feels like. We take appropriate action and the sensation stops.”
However if Plan A is unsuccessful the directive is stepped up to Plan B – emotions. Negative emotions like, “I’m feeling frustrated/worried/afraid/anxious/sad/angry” are actually a healthy form of communication from the body to the head. Unfortunately this is the level we unconsciously train ourselves to ignore. Then because the body is programmed to do its job come hell or high water it says, “Well okay you didn’t hear me so I am going to send you something louder which will get your attention. Plan C – symptoms.”
Symptoms like insomnia, food intolerances, eczema, asthma or skin irritations are often seen as minor but Kim believes they are a body’s cry for attention. Nonetheless initially the symptoms are often at a level where they are not inhibiting a person’s life so they can be masked with medication. “We haven’t yet asked ourselves, “Ok my body isn’t very happy about something. What is going on here?” But over time the body can only function with so many symptoms before the state of dis-ease turns into disease.” And what most people do not realize is that the flight or fight response induces the physiology of the body to change. Heart rate, breathing and nervous system ramp up, steroid hormone cortisol and adrenalin are released, digestion stops – the whole body is affected. This is when people start to get chronic conditions. “There have been many things happening before people get really sick,” observes Kim. “However our healthcare system is generally only really designed to deal with people once they get to that point.”
An absence of awareness about our bodies is evidenced by hospitals with waiting lists. This lack of responsibility for ourselves is what led to Kim’s health coaching practice. “I am putting power back in people’s hands. Given the right advice the body can be a self healing mechanism.”
One of the most common complaints is stress. Kim point outs that most people think this is caused by something external but she says it is always an internal reaction to a real or internalised event. Either way she trains clients to analyse underlying issues.
Childhood emotions not being validated are a reoccurring pattern. Clients might have been told “Don’t be silly, don’t cry!” Consequently they stopped allowing themselves to feel. Their modes operandi became fear because being authentic risks judgment or criticism. “To the emotional body that is the equivalent of dying,” says Kim. Honesty is one of the prerequisites for health.
Another principle is no division between the physical, mental and spiritual layers of a person. She recalls the frustration of listening to a rheumatologist at a fibromyalgia seminar. He said, “We still don’t know what creates fibromyalia and we’re looking for a gene to isolate it.” And I’m like no, no, no we do know. Look at what happens in a person’s life and how it affects them!”
The U.K. Public Health Association published a major review by Sir Michael Marmot called “Fair Society, Healthy Lives” in 2010 and revisited it in 2011. Their research revealed “…health inequalities do not arise by chance and they cannot be attributed simply to genetic make up, ‘bad’ or unhealthy behaviour or difficulties in access to medical care as important as those factors may be…difference in health status is reflected and are caused by social and economic inequalities in society.”
The report goes on to say doing nothing to improve the wellbeing of the nation was not an option because the human cost would be enormous.
Kim bases her argument for better health on quantum physics, the science of energy. Go down to a million times magnification of a cell (by that stage it would be at a sub ‘quantum’ atomic level) and bizarrely enough all you would see is mainly space. “So when an emotion arises in the body and it is not resolved or discharged then it stays in the body. It is a vibration that gets trapped in the cell and over time it is repeated and augmented. You can imagine how that has an effect at a cellular level. The energy starts to distort the vibration of the cell which manifest as a dysfunction. It is the law of physics – cause and effect.”
Even language illustrates the interconnectedness of energy with the body. According to the Chinese healing art of Qi Gong anger is stored in the liver – hence the saying, “I was livid with anger.” Just as common, “My heart sunk”, “My heart was filled with joy” or “I was sick with worry” (stored in the stomach and spleen).
“What I have found is that people with chronic health conditions have not been looking after themselves or attending to their emotional needs,” maintains Kim. “They might have been unable to articulate their feelings or had others walk all over them. So they have a whole stack of trapped emotions inside their body. Which are now manifesting as symptoms.”
It is never too late. Kim says people can turn themselves around. “I had a girl on the phone absolutely exhausted with chronic fatigue syndrome. Her doctor had told her there is nothing we can do for you. Unfortunately while modern medicine is fantastic in some areas some doctors only understand how to eradicate symptoms through medication or surgery. They know how to cut out a piece of cancer but not what the caused it. Obviously surgery is really good if someone has had a stroke, heart attack, something acute. But in this case it was chronic fatigue. I put together a jig-saw puzzle of the girl’s history and discovered she’d suffered traumas that she’d never told anyone about.”
Kim’s empathy comes from a break down she herself suffered 25 years ago. During the course of recovery she read a book which put forward the idea thatall of reality is available to us at any given time. But we can only deal with so much at a certain time. And each person’s ‘reality cup’ will be different sized. Sometimes it gets over-full.
Kim knows there are some doctors who will take into account a whole person. For example The Australian Integrated Medical Association’s philosophy is medical care through integrating proven complementary medicine into mainstream practice. Kim is resolute, “I think we are in the middle or at least at the start of change.”
If you are still looking for answers to heal from chronic illness, you might want to check if you are ticking all these boxes…
Kim Knight | Director
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Kim Knight – The Art of Health
The Art and Science of Wellbeing
Websites: www.artofhealth.co.nz www.mickeltherapy.co.nz www.taohealth.co.nz
When I was ill with chronic fatigue, and unable to work for over 10 years, before I discovered what was actually causing the problem (which took me 5 of those 10 years), I would have given anything to find out (a) what was causing symptoms and (b) what I needed to do to get well.
Funnily enough, years later after I was well again, a very astute business woman asked me a question which really quite shocked me:
Her question was “When you were ill, and searching for answers, what would you have given, or paid, someone like you, (ie me the now well-informed health coach), if they had turned up on your doorstep one day and said ‘I have the answers, I can help you’?”
I pondered for a moment, reflecting back on the many months and years I had spent hardly able to walk, do the shopping or function as a human being at all … I mentally added up the number of therapies (140+) I had tried in those first 5 years and the thousands of dollars that had cost me. I remembered the loneliness and frustration as I searched for answers which no-one seemed to have, including doctors and therapists, and the friends or family who could not understand what was going on inside of me when I looked so ‘normal‘ on the outside.
Wow, I thought. I would have given anything. Everything!
Whilst I might not have given ‘an arm or a leg’ (I was still just able to walk after all, and I did need to cook my meals), I would have paid anything for someone to tell me what on earth was going on and how to get well. If I hadn’t had the money in the bank at the time, I would have taken a loan to get it!
That was not my journey however.
I know now, that in a strange way, I was destined to go through a long, protracted journey just so that I could (a) understand in depth the necessary steps for getting well and (b) help others to do so too and (c) be able to help others avoid having to go through such a long process.
I know that I was meant to try (to this day now) nearly 200 therapies so that I could learn what works and what doesn’t in particular for chronic fatigue and pain conditions, and be able to recommend the best options to others so that they wouldn’t have to try hundreds of therapies and spend thousands of dollars.
I know now that this journey provided me with exactly what I would need to help others recover in the shortest possible time with the least amount of angst. I know this now, and am very grateful for my personal journey, even though at the time it was unbelievably difficult.
This then made me think.
Yes, this is a very common phenomenon, the reason for which I will come to shortly. But first of all let’s look at the real costs, both monetary and otherwise.
For many people with chronic pain and fatigue conditions, (CFS, ME, adrenal fatigue, burnout, chronic stress, anxiety, depression, fibromyalgia, glandular fever, PVFS etc) their lives are severely disrupted, many to the point of either not being able to work at all, or to the point that they still are working when they really shouldn’t be.
Let’s take an example of someone who is not working at all: let’s say their salary is $50,000 a year. If they don’t work for a year, that’s $50,000 that is not going into their bank account, plus the additional money that needs to be found to live. 5 years and it’s up to $250,000. 20 years and it’s a cool million dollars!
And yet, over the past 11 years since I have been helping people through these health conditions, I have found that on average the recovery time is 3-6 months, with some people taking only a few weeks, and others up to a year.
Personally I lost out big time financially. I sold my then mortgage-free house and car to pay my living expenses and therapy fees. I was unable to work for 10 years. At the time I sold my house it was valued at $300,000. The value now would be close to $800,000! Since then I have been paying weekly rent, another $350,000! So that’s another cool million or more down the drain. It’s crushing to think about, so I do my best not to, and keep looking forward…
But do the maths (or as they say in the good ‘ol USA ‘the math’). Which option do you think is better financially? To spend a small amount of money now to get your life back on track, or to stay unwell for years and lose a lot more. It’s a no-brainer really.
Which leads me on to the next topic: how long do we wait before taking action to restore our health and wellbeing?
Years ago in London, I ‘put my back out’ while cleaning the windows in my 3rd floor flat. I was leaning out the window trying to clean the outside of the window when ‘ping’ something ‘went’ in my back. I had never hurt my back before and I really had no idea what I had done. As a consequence of my ignorance around back issues, I continued on as before, and did not seek help. 3 months went by, and even though I wasn’t in any real pain, I found that my range of motion was getting more limited.
Then one day I was sitting on the edge of my bed putting a sock on, and I realized that I couldn’t reach my foot. I was 26 years old and I could not bend over to put a sock on! Something was surely not right about this! ‘Surely I should be able to put my socks on‘ I thought to myself, and then remembered back to the day 3 months earlier when I had tweaked my back. Putting two and two together (finally) I realized I needed to seek help.
At that time, the only medical practitioners I had ever seen in my life were a dentist, surgeon and doctor. I had no idea who to see for my back situation, but I knew none of these three were the answer. Somehow, after asking around, I heard of a therapist called an ‘osteopath’. Gosh, that was a revelation, there were other medical practitioners than doctors and dentists!
I made an appointment with this man, and the first thing he said to me after hearing my window-cleaning story was this:
‘You should have come to see me as soon as you had the injury because now the body has compensated for the injury and it has set in, which means it will take longer to get better’.
This one decision to not seek help as soon as I could have after the original injury would, unbeknowns to me at the time, haunt me for another 20 years, including countless appointments with many osteopaths, and even visits by ambulance to hospital for morphine to deal with the pain. But that’s another story…
If I had known better and been more in touch with what was going on inside my body I would have saught help straight away, and if I ever tweak my back now, I know to seek help immediately, ideally the same day.
However, back then, I was completely out of touch with my body, and had no idea about alternative practitioners, so I did what a lot of people do, and ‘just put up with it‘ until I could no longer tolerate the pain and inconvenience.
The point here is, whilst conditions such as CFS, adrenal fatigue, ME, fibromyalgia etc are indicative themselves of not having gotten help immediately (because one simply cannot be experiencing these conditions without there being a multitude of long-standing stress and emotional issues that have been going on for months, and often years), at least once we know we have a condition it is wise to do something about it and get help as soon as possible from someone who truly knows what to do about it. Because the longer we leave it, the worse it gets. And the quicker we start identifying and rectifying the root causes, the quicker we can get well. It’s just common sense.
Whilst on the whole I have found the quicker we get onto it, the quicker the recovery, and the younger the person, the quicker the recovery, I have also worked with people who have had serious symptoms for 20 years and recovered in 2 weeks.It does happen, but I highly recommend not expecting it. It takes months and years to build up symptoms of chronic debilitating pain and fatigue, and we need to be prepared to take the time to make the necessary changes to reverse the situation.
So what is the cost of staying unwell? There is only one answer to this:
EVERYTHING! YOUR LIFE!
Every day, month or year that goes by and you cannot function well physically, mentally or emotionally is time you will never recoup.
Conversely, every day, month or year you are happy and healthy is time you can spend doing what you want with your life.
What is it you want to do with your life? A fulfilling relationship? Enjoy quality time with your family, children, parents, friends? Share your gifts with the world? What does your life mean to you? Do you want to be lying on your deathbed and be grateful and proud of what you have done in your life, or do you want to waste away year after year wishing things could be different?
Not only do we lose out financially if we cannot work, we lose every aspect of our life: work, family, friends, hobbies, fun…
But here’s the good news!
We can get better if we know how. We have a choice and the power of free will. We can change our circumstances, as long as we understand that this change ALWAYS starts with us and from within. And it starts with the decisions we take over if we are going to do something about our situation, or if we are going to keep coming up with excuses as to why we should not take action.
Which brings me to the final point of this topic:
Why is it, when we know we want to be well, that we can find every excuse in the book not to?
Usually the reasons we give ourselves are something along the lines of “I can’t afford it or “I don’t have the time“. Yes I have heard both these reasons as a therapist a lot!
My response to that, given the statistics above, is ‘can you afford not to’?
Over the past few years I have discovered why most people think they cannot afford to do what it takes to get well. This has been the result of many years of personal discovery plus seeing the same pattern turning up in clients:
Please note the word UNCONSCIOUS here. We are not doing this consciously! It is something that is usually happening well beyond our conscious awareness.
Deep within we can have beliefs running our psyche called ‘transparent’ beliefs because we don’t see them. They are also referred to as ‘false’ beliefs because once they become conscious, even though they tend to feel real, they are not the truth. But we believe them because we don’t feel deserving of good things in life, such as happiness, success, abundance, recognition and more.
These beliefs are formed early on in childhood, usually by the age of 7 years, and run our every waking (and sleeping) thought and action, without us even knowing it. They are, in truth, what have led us to become ill or unhappy in the first place.
It goes without saying that we must discover and clear these beliefs, and the original events which set them up, in order to transform our current situation. And this we can do, if we know how. And it can take much less time and be easier than we might think. But unless we decide to seek the help to do so, nothing will change, and we will stay exactly where we are, for another month or year…
I have dedicated the past 25 years to learning this ‘stuff’, and I know for sure that we can change our circumstances as long as we make the decision to do so, and then follow up with appropriate, consistent action.
As the famous quote by Goethe goes:
“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favour all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.”
Don’t waste another day, month or year losing out on your precious life. Get the help you need right now so that you can get on and live the live you were born to live.
If you want to know the power of having a personal health coach, read my article here.
And if you want to check out my online self help Mickel Therapy programs, you can do so here. Even the most expensive program works out to be under $20 a week over the period of a year. How much could that save you in the long-run? Maybe your life…
In health,
Kim
From my own very long journey back to health from chronic fatigue, depression and many other ailments, plus working with hundreds of women, I have noticed there are certain habits, traits, beliefs or patterns which will halt progress in its tracks. Here they are…
This is one of the biggest misnomers that people looking for a solution will have: expecting healing to happen overnight, or even in a few weeks.
Why is it unrealistic to think this?
Because in 99% of cases, illness takes years to build up in the body, even before symptoms are noticed, and expecting an overnight change, without making the necessary changes within ourselves we need to make, is the biggest mind trick ever. In every client I have yet worked with, the actual ‘set up’ happens within the first 10 years of life, but it is not apparent at this time.
Partly this expectation is fueled by our healthcare system which does offer ‘quick fixes’ in the form of medication or surgery. For example, anti-depressants can take effect in a few days or weeks, allowing us to continue on with our daily life as before, without ever asking the question ‘why am I ill in the first place?’ Blood pressure pills can balance our blood pressure in days, but if we don’t explore why the pressure is out of balance in the first place, we are just placing the proverbial plaster on the wound.
The problem with this is, unless we discover and address what created the symptoms, the real problem is not being addressed, and symptoms are merely being masked, and will usually re-occur in some other form sooner or later.
Advertising also fuels this misnomer. How many ads have you watched telling you that if you have the flu or a strained back ‘just take xyz medication’ and you can get on with your day as if nothing has happened? No! If your body is sending you symptoms, it is asking you to take stock of what is going on in your life to understand what has brought it into this state of ‘dis-ease’. If you have the flu, the natural intelligence of your body is telling you it needs to rest and repair. Your body is not a machine and it deserves your care and respect! If you have chronic fatigue syndrome, your body is telling you to stop and re-assess your whole life, and how you are ‘doing’ life. Every symptom has a message which is waiting to be interpreted, and this must be done.
So expecting your body to self-repair overnight or in one session is simply unrealistic, and this must be understood and accepted. Then the real work of healing (which means ‘to become whole’) can begin.
Often we can think that one therapy will be the one-stop-shop solution.
In my experience as a practitioner working with many clients, this is less likely to be the case. For my personal experience, I had to test and implement a number of methods to get results.
Whilst some people can hit on one therapy which will be the one ‘miracle cure’, the percentage of people this happens to is much less, and in my personal experience I would say about 5% of people are this fortunate. For the other 95%, we are going to have to use more than one approach.
Why is this?
Because finding and addressing the real root cause of illness, and all the many potential contributing factors, is not that simple. There may be physical factors, emotional reasons, belief and thinking factors, dietary issues, geopathic stress, environmental issues, toxic issues, people issues, genetic or epigenetic issues, lifestyle and habit factors which need to be addressed. The list is long.
Many therapies are developed to focus on one particular issue, and may be perfect for that, and brilliant at addressing that one particular issue, but just like expecting ‘one religion to fit all’, it is unrealistic to expect that a therapy will address all causes.
So for example supplements can help with nutritional deficiencies, but they will not address the trauma and stress of dealing with an abusive partner which is creating the ‘dis-ease’ in the digestive system in the first place.
Plus what works for one person will not necessarily work for another! Which is why it is so important to follow our ‘gut’ feeling to find what ‘feels‘ right for us, and why healing is a journey of self-discovery. We must be prepared that we may need to use multiple approaches and that this will not happen overnight.
In my experience, getting well from a chronic illness is a cumulative process, where finding and implementing different strategies will eventually, sooner or later, help us to reach our goal of wellness.
This is a very common expectation, especially if we have been ill for a long time. Of course we want to be well again, but putting time deadlines on the body does not work at all. In fact, it slows down progress because it puts our body under pressure to achieve a result it cannot achieve without right understanding of what has caused the problem, and right rectification of that problem.
A much better question to ask is ‘what is it I need to learn or change in my life in order to bring my body back into balance? What is it I need to do to stop damaging my body‘. Once we discover this, and implement it, and once our super intelligent body sees that we mean for real to live our life in a healthier way, and we have proven that we are no longer going to ‘damage’ it with negative beliefs, behaviours and actions, it will bring itself back into health. It doesn’t want to be unwell any more than you do, but it will keep you unwell if there are still lessons to be learned.
While it is true, useful and sometimes very necessary that we receive emergency treatment, medication or surgery, we must look at the bigger picture. We must understand that our body is a self-healing mechanism that can and will self-heal given the right circumstances.
The more we understand this, the more self-responsibility we can start to take for our health. We become more aware of what it is that WE are doing to create or perpetuate illness. Then we can start to make necessary changes and get a different result. As the saying goes ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result‘.
Initially it may feel scary to feel that we play such a huge role in our health, but ultimately when we take back our power and become self-masterful, it is a highly satisfying and empowering experience.
When a client comes to me and says ‘I’ve tried everything’ my first question will be to get a specific list of what ‘everything’ means. Usually I find although it may seem like a long list to the person, it is not nearly ‘everything’. Usually the number will be somewhere between 5 and 20 therapies.
Having tried and tested nearly 200 therapies myself, and trained professionally in 20, I know that I am also nowhere near to ‘trying everything’! There are an abundance of health modalities in the world today, and the more countries and cultures you experience, the more health approaches you will discover. On my journey to discover solutions to my illness, I travelled to Egypt, Mexico, USA, Canada, Costa Rica, Guatamala, UK, Fiji, Australia, New Zealand and more and discovered some truly unique therapies!
So whether you have tried 5 or 50 therapies, why is it that thinking we have ‘tried everything’ will prevent our progress? Well, for 3 core reasons:
Similar to ‘I’ve tried everything’, the thought that we already know the answer will block our ability to see and hear new possibilities. We must keep our mind open to new information.
We must also let go of what we think we know and develop ‘beginners’ mind’.
As ancient Masters say “You cannot fill a cup that is already full. Empty the cup first”.
Even if you think you already know it, let go of the urge to think or say this when receiving advice from an expert, because they may just say something which could change your life. Which brings me to the last point…
Now this piece of information is probably one the BIGGEST mindset changes that blows people’s minds if this is the first time they have heard it!
Physical symptoms are less likely, than more likely, to be caused by something that has nothing to do with any physical! Of course this goes against the grain of much of our ‘education’.
For me it was the missing piece of the puzzle: for years I tried physical therapies, never realizing that what was going on my mind and emotions was affecting my body. But as you will discover, everything we feel and think changes our chemistry, and chemistry is what makes our cells; when we feel and experience good-feeling thoughts and emotions, this will have a beneficial impact on our cells. When we feel and experience negativity and negative emotions, this will lead our cells to experience something completely different. This is why learning to keep ourselves ’emotionally clear’ is necessary for health, as well as happiness.
Whether we like it or not, we all have our ‘blind sides’ where we cannot see our ‘stuff’. The interesting thing is, other people can see our stuff!
I remember the day I realized I was super stressed: one day I just became aware that I was really, really stressed, and that I needed to do something about it for the good of my health. The funny thing was, as I saw this, I knew I had been this way for years, but until that moment I had not ‘re-cognized’ it consciously. Upon having the recognition, I then saw that everyone else had been seeing it, but not me!
As human beings we are simply ‘not aware of what we are not aware of’, until we become aware. This is the key to healing most illnesses and unhappiness: becoming aware of what we were previously unaware of, and then having new choices.
As the saying goes, we can never see ‘the dark side of the moon’, and so it is with human consciousness. We need help to see our blind side, and this is why a coach is so invaluable and can save you years of pain and thousands of dollars in wasted effort.
Recovering from chronic illness is not easy. It can often bring us to our knees, but there is a reason for it, and lessons to be learned, and a gift in the journey. We must be prepared to put in the work, to persevere, to commit to ourselves no matter what.
As one of my first teachers said “healing is a journey of transformation: when you heal you change and are never the same again”. True healing requires that we transform and transcend our previous self. This is going to require change on all levels: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. Often illness is a sign we have gone off track, and it is a way of bringing us back on track.
Illness is never random, it always has a message, a story, a meaning. It is our body trying to tell us something, because our natural state is to be healthy, so if we are experiencing anything but this, it means we need to do and learn whatever it is to return to our natural state of health, which is possible.
In the words of Winston Churchill, “never, never, never give up”.
Kim Knight is a health and empowerment coach who helps women ‘who do too much but value themselves too little’ to take back control of their life.www.kimknighthealth.com
by Kim Knight, Health and Empowerment Coach for Women
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cp3z26liGow
(Part 1 of 2 in a free series on bullying)
Bullying can appear in many shapes and forms, and in all walks of life: it can happen at school or university, at work or at home.
But why is it people become bullies?
Why is it we tolerate being treated unfairly?
And how do we put a stop to it?
These are all questions we need to ask if we find our self either a ‘victim’ or ‘persecutor’ on the bullying spectrum.
Being bullied is a serious issue with serious consequences, even leading to debilitating health conditions and major unhappiness if not addressed and resolved.
According to the ‘Karpman Drama triangle’, we can often find ourselves in one of 3 places in our relationships with others: we may be the ‘victim’ at the mercy of our ‘perpetrator’, or we may find our self the ‘rescuer’ trying to keep the peace between the victim and perpetrator.
None of these roles are inherently healthy, and we need to learn instead to emotionally empower ourselves out of dysfunctional, co-dependent behaviours, and create clear physical, emotional and energetic boundaries with others.
To do that we need to understand:
(a) if we are the victim, why we keep ourselves powerless, and how to take our power back, and
(b) if we are the persecutor, how to stop treating others unfairly.
This requires introspection to understand where the cause of the problem really stems from:
Over the past 11 years of working in clinic with people who find themselves in abusive or dysfunctional relationships, the pattern has become clear:
We become and re-enact what we have unconsciously observed and learned at a young age, usually by the age of 7 years.
And we do this in an unconscious effort to protect ourselves, either emotionally, or physically, or both.
If we look at what leads to becoming the ‘victim’, we will often find at a young age we were in some way disempowered, which led us to falsely concluding we do not have the right to stand up for ourselves, put ourselves first or allow ourself to feel our feelings. And so we hold everything inside, including all the pain and emotional hurt we have experienced, and allow others to walk all over us.
If we look at why people become bullies, we often find the cause is the same. These people also received ‘unfair treatment from others’, were punished, abused, critisized, bullied, judged, hurt and more. However, rather than ‘introverting’, these people instead protect themselves emotionally by ‘extroverting’ into dominating or aggressive behaviour.
The reasons and causes for all of this need to be explored in detail in order to change the limiting beliefs, behaviours and negative consequences which have resulted from the original trauma.
The ramifications of being bullied are HUGE:
If we become the victim, we will allow others to walk all over us and treat us unfairly. We give our power away, never speak up for ourselves, hold all our true feelings and thoughts inside. The hidden consequence of this is we build up anger, frustration and resentment inside until it literally turns into physical pain. How and why this happens is always clearly explained in any Mickel Therapy training you may take, whether that be 1-1 with a therapist, or one of my online programs. But suffice it to say that many people turning up with conditions of chronic fatigue, ME, fibromylgia, irritable bowel syndrome and more have a history of being bullied and not knowing how to stand up for themselves. The exercises taught in Mickel Therapy address these issues directly, turning them around 180 degrees, so that people become empowered and assertive without guilt or fear.
If we turn into the bully, we will treat others unfairly, but in so doing isolate ourselves as we build an armoured wall around our hearts to unconsciously prevent more pain coming in. We ‘dump’ all our repressed anger and pain on others, which not only damages others, but also hurts ourself, even if we are not aware of it.
Either way, the underlying reason for the need to become a victim or perpetrator is the same: to protect ourselves from feeling emotional pain long-held inside, to protect from ‘feeling bad, not good enough, rejected or unworthy’.
There is only one way out for either player: to become aware of the initial setup, to make peace with the trauma and pain from the past, and to change behaviour in the present.
Bullies need to learn they no longer need to dominate others to have their needs met, and victims need to learn how to create clear boundaries around unfair treatment without feeling afraid to do so.
You can check out the range of online programs and private coaching options on Kim’s Mickel Therapy website.
All programs will show you how to become assertives and take back your power, and there are a range of programs to suit all budgets and personal needs.
Some of the programs address assertiveness and bullying, whilst other programs also address the physical consequences of illness that result from not standing up for ourselves.
In her talk at the Green Living Show, Auckland July 2016, multi-award nominated self-love and self-empowerment coach Kim Knight will be sharing just how to do this by using the Mickel Therapy ‘Boundary Key’.
To learn how Kim may be able to help you identify and resolve the cause of your stress, pain or fatigue contact Kim at kimknighthealth.com
If you would like to apply to work with Kim, the first step is to fill in this form here.
Over the years I have learnt there are essentially two types of guilt:
True (healthy) guilt… and false (unhealthy) guilt.
Let’s look at both of them.
This is the type of guilt we feel when we have genuinely done something wrong.
For example, we come home in a grumpy mood and take it out on our kids or husband by growling at them, leaving both us and them feeling pretty crap.
Or when we are on the phone to our phone company, and having gone through 20 different menus and having been on hold for 30 minutes, we finally get to speak to an operator and dump our frustration and anger on the innocent person on the other end of the phone (this has been one of my personal favourites in the past, I’m happy to say I’m much better at handling this now).
So what happens inside us when we do this?
We experience remorse. We feel bad and uncomfortable inside. We experience a sort of unease which just won’t go away unless…. we apologize.
This will often require feeling vulnerable and ‘swallowing our pride’.
So why is it we feel such discomfort and remorse when we inadvertently hurt others?
Because we have an inbuilt mechanism, which we could call a ‘treat people nice and be treated nice’ thermometer, which knows that if either we overstep other people’s boundaries, or have our boundaries overstepped, it feels bad.
This is good feedback to let us know either we have done something which we need to make amends for, or someone has done something to us which has overstepped our boundaries.
The only solution, if it is our ‘fault’, even though it can make us squirm, is to apologize, and then the body will literally breathe a sigh of relief and relax.
Have you noticed that?… when you make amends?… how GOOD it feels? How good and proud you feel about yourself, how the energy inside you just shifts, balances, harmonizes?
So try practising apologizing or making amends if you are not already, it’s the best feeling in the world.
False guilt is when we feel guilty and we haven’t actually done something wrong.
This is actually a much more common sort of guilt!
For example, you have an uber busy schedule for the day, and you had planned to meet your mother for coffee, but you just know that something has to give in your day to take down the stress levels, and you know intuitively that rescheduling coffee is the wisest thing to do.
So you call your mother, apologizing profusely, and say you need to reschedule. Your body immediately relaxes inside because it knows you have done the right thing for it not to have to experience an overloaded stress feeling all day. Let’s say your mother says OK, but you know she is disappointed. Then your mind starts going into overdrive, and guilt seeps in fast, the mind going into overdrive with all the rationalizations (‘rational lies’) as to why you really shouldn’t put yourself first, and why you really should go and have coffee with your mother, even though you know it would stress you to the max.
This is false (unhealthy) guilt.
It’s the guilt that creeps in when you do what you need to for you by putting yourself first, by making yourself a priority, and then you feel bad about it.
Dig deeper, and you will find one core theme at the bottom of false guilt: not feeling worthy enough about yourself to make yourself a priority.
This lack of self worth is set up at an early age, by the age of 7 usually. It sits in the unconscious, silently running our behaviour with others, and it has to be dealt with if we want to stop feeling guilty for looking after ourselves properly.
Lack of self worth will lead us to all sorts of unhealthy behaviours such as never saying no to others, seeking approval from partners, bosses, children, friends…. driving ourselves to exhaustion by overdoing it, never communicating how we honestly feel. It’s a killer.
So next time you feel guilty, ask yourself “have I genuinely done something I need to apologize for? Do I have a squirmy feeling in my heart area (the barometer for true guilt) that will only be cleared if I apologize?” If the answers is yes, then apologize!
I now make it a conscious habit to apologize for true guilt. It’s sometimes difficult to do, but the rewards for myself and the other person are worth it, it feels SOOOO good!
And if the answer is ‘no, I haven’t done something I genuinely need to apologize for’, then breathe, and feel that feeling of guilt, and underneath the true feeling of unworthiness. Acknowledge it. Accept the truth of it. And put yourself first anyway.
Gradually over time, as you re-acclimatize yourself to making yourself a priority in your life, and your self worth grows, the guilt will lessen and eventually disappear. This takes time, it’s not an overnight fix, but as Rachel Hunger said in that old shampoo ad of the 90’s “It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen”.
Kim Knight is a health and personal transformation coach specializing in medication-free solutions for stress, emotional overwhelm, anxiety, chronic pain and exhaustion.
One of the modalities she uses to teach people how to create clear boundaries, put themselves first and learn healthy communication is Mickel Therapy.
To learn how Kim may be able to help you identify and resolve the cause of your stress, pain or fatigue contact Kim at kimknighthealth.com
If you would like to apply to work with Kim, the first step is to fill in this form here.
by Kim Knight, Kim Knight Health.com
For many people, experiencing adrenal fatigue – a puzzling condition which can include an array of symptoms – they are often unaware of what is going on inside their body, although they may have felt significantly ‘out of sorts’ for some time.
Symptoms of adrenal fatigue syndrome can include:
Clients are often told by their doctor ‘it’s all in your head, just go home and get a good night’s sleep’ but nothing could be less useful or further from the truth.
Let’s look a little deeper at what’s going on…
Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome – a term first brought to the world by naturopathic doctor James Wilson – is a very real ‘syndrome’ involving a complex group of symptoms which all track back to severe exhaustion and depletion of the adrenal glands. These two glands sit on top of the kidneys, playing a key role in the endocrine system for maintaining chemical homeostasis in the body.
The adrenals are mostly known for creating two vital hormones, adrenaline and cortisol, which are necessary for managing stress.
Initially, in the first stage of adrenal fatigue, the adrenals will over-produce stress hormones, but if the life stressors (which can be many and various) continue, eventually the adrenals will become ‘exhausted’ and under-produce hormones, which in turn can be a precursor to a host of other conditions such as metabolic syndrome, under- or overactive thyroid, Addison’s Disease, Hashimotos and more.
The point to understand here is that a variety of more serious chronic conditions often rest on a bedrock of severe adrenal depletion. And unless we do something to replete and regenerate these glands, trying to address these other conditions can be a like trying to fill up a bucket with water with holes in it.
In the 1930’s, Hans Selye was the first doctor to delve deeply into the effects of stress when he put forward his ‘General Adaptive Syndrome’ (GAS) theory delineating 3 main stages of stress:
Stage 1 – the stress / alarm ‘in crisis’ phase
Stage 2 – the adaptation ‘keeping going – pushing through’ phase
Stage 3 – the exhaustion ‘final collapse’ phase.
Unfortunately most people only become aware their adrenals are fatigued once they reach stage 3 although health may will most likely already be affected during the first two stages.
My personal experience of the onset of adrenal fatigue began in my 30’s. Over a period of months I noticed I was getting more and more tired. ‘Having a good night’s sleep’ made no difference, and as my stress levels and intolerance increased, it was clear something was amiss.
Week after week I noticed I was getting more and more tired for no apparent reason. It didn’t matter if I went to bed early, took it easy over the weekend or even went on holiday… the exhaustion remained.
Then one day I walked into work and simply quit on the spot. I just couldn’t go on. I was completely exhausted and the thought of walking into that office one more day and coping with work was just too much.
Shortly after that I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, which I later recognized was a furtherance of adrenal fatigue. I found myself unable to work for the next 10 years.
For the next 15 years I hunted for the causes and solutions of chronic exhaustion conditions, finally bringing myself back to good health. Fortunately I can now short cut years of exhaustion to a few months of recovery for the clients I now help.
According to Dr Wilson, in his book ‘Adrenal Fatigue – the 21st Century Stress Syndrome’ there are four main patterns in the development of adrenal fatigue, which correlate with different personality types:
Do you recognize yourself in any of these scenarios? Are some of these symptoms sounding familiar?
Once the real cause of the problem is identified, the solutions usually become crystal clear. So it is essential that this first step of problem-identification is not missed!
In my experience, the real causes of the problem start years before any tiredness starts showing up. This is where things can get confusing for people, because these ’causes’ have often been overlooked.
They include events such as childhood traumas, ongoing life stressors and unresolved emotional upsets, as well as unhealthy habits such as pushing ourselves too hard on an ongoing basis, putting up with unkind behaviour from others, and basically putting ourselves at the bottom of our ‘to-do’ list.
All these facets of life need to be addressed to effect proper recovery, and with the right guidance this can be much easier than you may think, and take a lot less time than trying to do it all by yourself.
So how can you tell if you have adrenal fatigue?
Here are a few starting tips:
The good news is, with understanding and commitment, full recovery IS possible, and it doesn’t have to take years.
Kim is a multi-award nominated health and personal transformation coach specializing in helping people identify and resolve the root cause of long-term illness and chronic unhappiness. She also specialises in stress reduction and emotional healing. Her ability to pinpoint the cause of health problems has earned her the title of ‘The Kiwi Health Detective’.
In 2012 her chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia recovery online series was nominated for the Waitakere Health Excellence Awards in New Zealand, following on from her nominaton for finalist in the Next New Zealand Woman of the Year Awards in 2011 for ‘contribution and innovation in health and science’.
Kim lives and works in Auckland, offering private coaching, workshops and trainings in person and remotely online via the web.
To learn how Kim may be able to help you identify and resolve the cause of your stress, pain or fatigue contact Kim at kimknighthealth.com
If you would like to apply to work with Kim, the first step is to fill in this form here.